X-Men: First Class -- Poster and Spoof!

The first two character posters for X-Men: First Class were released this weekend. And despite misgivings about other aspects of the film, I have to say the posters look pretty cool!

In honor of this release, I'd like to share with you an X-Men spoof I wrote on the plane down to Florida last week. It's basically my thoughts of what would happen if the X-Men could see the films being made about them.

Please note two things. First of all, I used the characters from the current main team(s). That means there WILL be some favorite characters missing. Secondly, I've gotten plenty of enjoyment out of all the films and I plan to enjoy the next one to some degree as well. This is my attempt to translate character thoughts, not necessarily my own opinions. ;) Also, this is humor, so keep that in mind when you get to the end...

Enjoy!

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The X-Men sit down to watch the trailer for X-Men: First Class. After it is over...

Silence.

Then... everyone starts talking at once.

Hank: Well, I must say the digital effects used to portray my transformation look quite excellent.

Peter: (shocked) The Professor had hair?

Emma: (stunned) A bra. They put me in a bra... do they have any idea how long it took me to design my costume? Weeks of analysis...

Bobby: Kurt, was that your mom in that one shot in the bedroom? Cuz she was hot--

Kurt: (hands over his ears) TMI! TMI!

Emma: (furious) Weeks! And all the fabric was specially ordered and then the fittings... and then they go and just pull off the first shiny thing they find on a Wal-Mart shelf and it's not even technically WHITE – I mean, hello. I am the “White Queen.”

Kitty: You know, Emma, if I were you I'd be more worried about how old they make you out to be. I mean, according to this you're at least 70 now.

Emma: I-- well –

Bobby: Wow. Emma's a cougar.

Emma: Robert Drake. Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life drooling like a two-year-old?

Scott: (pats Emma's shoulder) It's okay, honey. I always knew you fudged the birthdate on your driver's license.

Magneto: (loudly, interupting) Well, I can't complain. It looks like they finally managed to cast a proper actor in my role this time.

Rogue: I don't know, Erik, seeing you without white hair is almost as weird as seeing the Professor WITH hair...

Bobby: What I want to know is why Scott's kid brother joins the team before I do. I mean, he's totally stealing my spot of coolest member on the team!

Jubilee: Humph. You're complaining! At least you got LINES in the first three films! I got a freakin' cameo.

Wolverine: Could be worse, darlin'. They made Scott even more of a prissy prep poster boy. Not that that's hard to do –

Scott: Watch it!

Rogue: And Ah was made over into a wimpy pushover.

Gambit: Oui. And dey made me twenty years older den ma cherie. Not ta mention what dey did ta my accent...

Kitty: You're telling me! They hooked me up with Bobby! No offense to you, Bobby, but how could they think I'd fall for anyone other than Peter?

Peter: Thank you, Katya.

Gambit: I t'ink dey just know our sizzlin' love stories would steal all da glory from Wolverine.

Kurt: Ja. They should have just called the films “the Adventures of the Amazing Wolverine.”

Wolverine: Thanks bub, but no thanks. I got enough women problems without Hugh Jackman getting the title role.

Kitty: Is there any way we could stop this?

Storm: Perhaps a peaceful supplication to the studio heads to stop production?

Beast: A targeted computer virus might destroy the footage.

Wolverine: I say we trash the place.

Magneto: Only if we save the footage of sexy me.

Jubilee: Please do not ever say “sexy me” again or I will suck your blood for breakfast.

Scott: Or... we could do what the Fantastic Four did. Let the movies create such a false picture of us that our enemies completely underestimate us.

Bobby: Wow, that's...

Emma: Actually quite brilliant darling.

Kitty: (from her computer) Uh, you might want to rethink that, Scott.

Scott: Why?

Kitty: Because I'm checking IMDB, and they say the next movie features Jubilee turning into a vampire and Robert Pattinson will be playing her love interest.

Silence.

Jubilee: Okay. We're totally trashing the place.