I'm okay with not being pregnant right now.
I wasn't okay three months ago. I wanted to have kids and wanted to get started, ASAP. Health intervened, and kept intervening, and it's just not going to happen in the immediate future.
The weird thing, was that at just the time when this realization came upon us, I also came to the realization that I am not ready to be a mom yet. I've lost so much time in my marriage, my community and my writing and sewing due to my health, and I am so happy to have more time to progress in these areas before being overwhelmed with baby stuff.
I believe that someday my health will improve to the point where we will be able to have kids with that only occasioning the normal insanity of that situation (haha). And it'll be exciting when that happens, but I'm okay waiting.
Most of the time.
Then someone will have a pregnancy announcement, or a birth announcement, or a family member will mention envisioning grandkids or nieces/nephews/cousins and it'll hit me and I'll feel really sad. And that's not wrong. It's right and natural for me to have maternal urges. I cannot wait for the day when we have our own good news to share, and when I can see myself and Nathan mixed in our own child. (And we do hope to have biological children at some point, although we are also very open to adoption if God leads us in that direction at a point that my health allows).
The feelings of sadness are very real, and I need to allow myself to process them, but thankfully this summer they have not been consuming. My puppy, Mateo, is quite a handful, and combined with the book release, the garden, and finally being able to do some sewing again, my life is very, VERY full. Plus, I have a lot of exposure in my life to how exhausting motherhood is, and with my fibromylagia, I treasure every moment that I have a clear head and am not about to keel over, and I just can't imagine inducing more fatigue in my life and body right now.
The longing is there and it's not all at the same time. Very Schrödinger.
Now this could change at any moment. Just as quickly as my last view shift, I could once again be overwhelmed with this longing. So I'm grateful for every day that I can be satisfied with what God's given me for now.
BTW if you have been following me on Instagram or Facebook and have been a little overwhelmed with all the photos of my puppy... I have to channel my maternal energies into him right now, because my health doesn't give me a choice. So it may seem a little overkill to the non-dog people, but it's really helping me a lot right now, and I remain thankful for everyone's understanding.