Today I woke up crying.
It was a cry I needed to have. One I've been expecting for the past month and a half, and honestly one that my mother is surprised hasn't come sooner. I was mourning the fact that I missed my own wedding.
Oh, I was there. You've all seen the photos. And I experienced the most important bits - Nathan in his tux, Nathan watching me walk down the Aisle, the Ceremony, the Kiss.
And we have beautiful pictures and amazing video that I am so thankful for. So many family and friends have told us that it was an amazing wedding, they had so much fun, it was all so beautiful, they cried during the ceremony, the speeches were fantastic, etc, etc.
I'm so thankful for all of that. Truly. When I woke up from my migraine I spent probably an hour just lying there thinking of all that I was thankful for. All of the amazing people God put into my life who made it all happen.
But today I woke up from a dream that made me realize what I haven't been facing - that I did miss a lot of things that were really important to me and I needed to mourn for them. I missed getting photos with my grandparents and brother. I missed getting photos with my bridesmaids. I missed singing the hymns that Nathan and I picked for the ceremony. I missed getting to hug and greet all of my loved ones who came. I missed getting to celebrate with everyone. I missed my first dance with my husband. I missed my father/daughter dance. And I can never get that back.
Don't get me wrong. I would do it over again that way in a heartbeat to marry Nathan. But going through the photos and picking which ones to print and which ones to share... it's reminded me again of what I've missed - of the photos and memories I'll never have. The reception was gorgeous - but I wasn't there. The conversation was wonderful - but I didn't hear it. I'm not bemoaning a wedding not going exactly to plan - I'm mourning the memories I lost.
I haven't wanted to mourn this because I've wanted to hold on to the good stuff. I've felt that shedding even one tear negates all of the blessings of that day. And it would if I was only sad, going forwards. However I won't be - I'll be thankful and grateful... but I have to work through this first. I have to get to a point where I can go to someone else's wedding and not feel cheated out of my own. Because celebrating a wedding should be joyful, and not mourning my own loss.
I wasn't sure if I should write this post. Would it come off as complaining? Would it be depressing? I came to the conclusion that it was an important thing to share. It's an important part of my life right now, and I think it's important to be clear that my life has it's hard points, so that you understand why I treasure the good ones so much.
And, well, I know I'm not the only Bride ever to go through something like this. Fellow bride, if you're reading this and you didn't get those memories you so wished for... know that you're not alone. Share your thoughts, how you processed. It's a loss like no other, because what can you really compare it to?
For those of you who are now worried about me... yes, I would appreciate your prayers as this will take time to process and I really DO want to process it and not turn bitter. I was very blessed today that my tears came before my husband left for work, and he was very understanding and comforting.