Tuesday, December 31, 2019

2009 and 2019, dreams and reality

For many of you reading this, the '10's have been the biggest decade of your lives. College, career, travel, marriage, children, vocations, and many amazing personal achievements are some of the things I see my friends celebrating on Facebook.

I also see honest acknowledgement of the hardships that have made us grow. The sorrows of the '10's have also been harsh. Illness, divorce, abuse, addiction, estrangement, poverty, disillusionment, infertility, job loss, disability, and loneliness have been endured by so many that I care about. 

But even just being here is a win. Surviving is a win. Even if you don't feel a list of achievements exists for you, it may be that simply staying alive has been a struggle for you. 

When I turned 29, I struggled. I'd wanted to travel more, write more, and have at least one child by that point. I felt like I'd failed. My mentor told me that most people didn't really start achieving their 'big' things until they hit their 50's. (Hey, Bilbo and Frodo could attest to that!) I didn't find it terribly comforting at the time, but seeing how much I've grown in the past two years, and how much I've accomplished and survived, all gives me a lot of hope and anticipation for the next two decades. Because it's still 20 years until I hit my 50's and that's quite a lot of time, really, to gear up for doing my really big things!

Of course, I'm sure a big part of that number has to do with the fact that many, many, people are busy raising children between the ages of 20 and 50. Whether a homemaker or a breadwinner, a huge amount of focus and planning is around the children. This year has taught me so much about learning how to prioritize and work in tiny spurts. (The blog has been the sufferer in this, I'll freely admit!) I can only imagine how efficient my life is going to be once I have had 20 years of practice and suddenly I'm not homeschooling anymore! 

Ten years ago I was wrapping up a feature length film (the Shadow of the Bear). I was also packing my bags to head off to Virginia to be a nanny and tutor for six children for three months! I was in the midst of a big rewrite of my first book, and I'd already tried and left college twice due to health issues. I'd come off a big health programme that was to give me the energy I needed to get through the next two years.

I had so many dreams.

Reality has been harder, bigger, and more rewarding than my dreams. The past ten years have been battle after battle--but also full of love and joy that I could not have imagined. While of course I do not want to climb the mountains again, I would not change them, because standing here with my husband and daughter is a reality more beautiful and cherished than any I dreamed. 

Next stop: Getting that fifth draft of "The Professor and the Siren" finished up... 
#procrastinatingonthenovel #Ishouldbewriting #backtoparis